


Trying

by dimensionhoppingrose



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M, Infertility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 10:44:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7614928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimensionhoppingrose/pseuds/dimensionhoppingrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Making the decision to start a family should have been the hard part. Unfortunately, it was only the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trying

_Negative_.

Again.

Rose dropped her head in her hands, trying desperately not to cry. She'd taken the test without the Doctor this time, because she was _so tired_ of seeing that split-second of disappointment flash across his face before he jumped into supportive husband mode, saying what was at this point a well rehearsed speech.

“ _Well we'll just keep trying won't we?  It only takes one time, we'll get there eventually. Don't give up. Half the fun is trying, right?”_

Rose was honestly sick of hearing it.

She tossed out the pregnancy test, burying it deep in the bathroom trash can and making a mental note to take the trash out before the Doctor could.

A quick check of her face in the mirror to make sure she wasn't puffy-eyed, and she went out to face the Doctor. He was just waking up – he'd adjusted quite well to having to sleep two-thirds of his life away – and Rose crawled into bed and kissed him awake.

And the day went on as normal.

It had been a year since they had decided they wanted to start a family. Rose had heard the “we can keep trying” speech at least fifteen times now, and if she had to hear it one more time she was pretty sure she might throw something at the Doctor's head.

She knew he meant well. She knew he was disappointed by their lack of progress as well.

But he wasn't the one who was failing them.

After the first few negative tests he'd gotten some tests done, just to make sure everything was...functioning correctly. And all the tests had come back fine. He was perfectly capable of getting Rose pregnant.

Rose was starting to think she needed to get herself tested as well. Clearly there was something wrong. If it wasn't the Doctor...

She'd never stopped to think about what effect dimension hopping might have had on her body. She was perfectly healthy in every other way...

But what if she couldn't get pregnant? What if the negative effects were deeper, and she had just never bothered to look for them?

She could go get tested now, she supposed...but the thought of it terrified her. She didn't want to know the answers. She didn't want the Torchwood doctors to tell her that she would never be able to give her husband a family.

What if the Doctor left her?

Logically, Rose was...mostly certain that would never happen. The Doctor would love her no matter what. If they couldn't have a family, then they couldn't have a family.  Maybe they would try adoption. But either way, the Doctor loved her far too much to leave her just because she couldn't have children.

It was a completely irrational fear, and Rose knew it. But she couldn't help it.

While the Doctor made dinner Rose emptied out the bathroom trash in the outside bin so the Doctor would never know about the negative pregnancy test inside.

He may not have known about that, but he could definitely tell that something was wrong with Rose. He put a little bit of extra effort into dinner that night, making her favorite meal, and spending the entire night pampering her a bit.

Given her off mood, he was a bit surprised when, while they were watching a movie, she suddenly climbed into his lap and started kissing him, fingers wrapped tight around his t-shirt.

“Mmmmph? Rose?” He mumbled against her lips. He hadn't really expected sex that night. But Rose was desperate. She wanted to get pregnant. She wanted to be able to give the Doctor this. She wanted to know she was even _capable_ of it.

She just wanted to be able to do this.

* * * * * * *

 _Negative_.

Six weeks. Countless tries. Even a missed period.

And still...

 _Negative_.

Rose whipped the pregnancy twist at the wall. The collision was unsatisfying, but the fragile peace of plastic at least broke. She cleaned it up and threw it into the trash, not even bothering to hide it this time. It didn't matter. He'd ask about taking one eventually.

The Doctor was pouring himself a bowl of cereal when Rose came down. They'd overslept a bit and were going to be late, but he liked to have something to nibble on in the car.

“You okay?” He asked, surprised, when he saw the look on Rose's face. She'd been in a perfectly fine when they'd woken up an hour earlier...

“Fine,” Rose said shortly, grabbing her jacket off the back of the chair. “Let's go, we're going to be late.”

“Um...okay.”

The Doctor wanted desperately to ask, but he knew that would only end badly. He made a note to do something extra good for dinner that night, and followed her out to the car.

Rose's bad mood persisted through the day. It wasn't even the negative pregnancy tests anymore. It was what they represented – her continued failure. Her inabilities. Her shortcomings.

She didn't know how much more of this she could take.

“Rose?”

“ _What_?” Rose snapped, head snapping up to see – her father. Pete raised an eyebrow.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it's fine.” Rose sighed, running a hand through her hair. “What's up?”

“Well your mother seems to think you've been ignoring her phone calls...”

Jackie was absolutely right about that, honestly. Rose _had_ been ignoring her, because she didn't want to deal with Jackie asking about grandchildren or trying to give them “advice” – and she knew the Doctor couldn't handle another hour of that either. He'd been ready to jump out the window.

“I've just been busy,” Rose mumbled.

“Too busy for Sunday dinner?”

“Yes.”

Pete regarded Rose for a long moment, clearly debating if this was something he wanted to get into. Apparently it was, because he said, “Why don't we go out for lunch? My treat.”

Rose couldn't say no to that. She left the office with him, and they went to a diner down the street – along with three of Pete's security guards. Just a nice, intimate lunch.

“So what's going on?” Pete asked quietly after they'd ordered their food. Rose rested her elbows on the table, running her hands through her hair and locking them behind her head.

“I...I'm starting to think I can't get pregnant.” It was the first time she'd said the words out loud. It hurt more than she'd expected.

Pete, god bless him, took it in stride. “Have you seen a doctor about it?” Rose shook her head silently. “Have you talked to the Doctor about it?”

Rose hesitated, keeping her eyes on the table. “I can't,” she whispered finally. “I don't even know what to say.”

“Tell him the truth. Exactly how you just told me.”

Pete had great intentions, but he didn't understand. “He was so excited when we started talking about having kids.” Well, that wasn't entirely true. He'd been nervous at first, understandably, they were both a little nervous. It was a nerve-wracking prospect.

But the more they'd talked about it, the more his eyes lit up at the prospect of having children, of having a family. He'd been so _happy_.

Rose didn't want to have to be the one to kill that fantasy.

“He'll understand,” Pete said when Rose didn't say anything. “That man worships the ground you walk on. He loves you. He might be a little disappointed, but that'll pass. If you really can't have kids...he's going to want to help you.”

He was right, of course. Rose sighed, her shoulders falling, and Pete leaned across the table to press a light kiss to her forehead.

“It's going to be okay. But you need to talk to him.”

He was right.

* * * * * * *

“Doctor...do you have a minute?”

The Doctor paused, surprised. Rose had been quiet the entire way home, and the Doctor had been expecting it to be a quiet night.

“Yeah...of course,” he replied instantly nonetheless, taking her hand and pulling her to the couch. She was finally going to tell him why she'd been so upset all day. He wasn't going to pass up that chance. “What's going on?” He asked quietly, and Rose sighed, focusing on the hand holding hers.

“I...I took a pregnancy test this morning. It was negative.” That was the obvious conclusion, but it still hurt a bit. “I...took one a few weeks ago that was also negative.”

“O-Okay,” the Doctor stammered, surprised. Why had she hidden that from him? “Well, we'll just keep–”

“Doctor, _stop_.” He cut off, blinking. “Just...stop, okay? This is why I didn't tell you. I'm tired of 'we'll keep trying' and 'it'll happen eventually.' I just...can't keep hearing that.”

The Doctor didn't know what to say, so he stayed silent. There was more, he could tell.

It took Rose a few moments to gather her thoughts and speak. “Do...Do you think the dimension hopping might've...hurt me?”

The thought had crossed the Doctor's mind, more than once if he was honest. But he'd never known how to bring it up, and he was sure Rose would've been furious if he tried.

“It's...a possibility,” he said slowly. “We'd have to get some tests done to find out for sure, though. But it could just be bad luck...”

“For an entire year?” Rose asked quietly.

“The odds aren't...fantastic, but it's possible,” the Doctor insisted. He didn't want to put the blame squarely on Rose's shoulders, and he knew she would try if it turned out she couldn't have children.

It was going to be a hard pill to swallow.

“We'll talk to the Torchwood doctors,” the Doctor said, already making a plan. “We can go tomorrow and–”

“Doctor?” Rose said quietly, her voice shaking slightly. She knew they needed to talk more, make a plan, talk to doctors. But she didn't want to think about any of that right then. “Just...hold me? Please?”

He complied at once, pulling her into his lap and letting her curl against him, sighing faintly. She already felt a little better, despite everything.

They would be okay. No matter what the doctors said...they would be okay..

**Author's Note:**

> Unbetaed, please don't review just to point out typos.


End file.
